strange_faerie7 (strange_faerie7) wrote,

Letting yourself open up to people is hard.or it is for me at least.well thats not really true, sometimes it is and sometimes its not.when i get in these weird moods where i just dont want to be around others, but i dont want to be forgotten, and i just stop talking as much, thats when its hard. i just feel so awkward and uncomfortable sometimes alot. like i dont know what to do with myself, how to act. you think youre getting better, and then realize youre just backtracking,tons.

my birthday is in 6 days.that could be another reason for my weirdness of and birthdays dont really get along.i always want it to be really great, and then the day falls short.have no expectations and nothing can go wrong, right? im a pessimistic person by nature, was i always this way?

In current news, there was a bomb threat at ball today. YAY.heh, mollie, melissa, and emma were all gone for it. crushes for me suck, i can never tell my brain to shut up once it starts thinking. i had it off for a little while. attemping to get there again.

Im number 16 in my sophmore class. I have a GPA of 4.200, yet i dont feel very smart.Today in chemistry i learned signlanguage insteady of stoiciometery(or however you spell it) it was much more entertaining.

I really do want to leave BHS most the times. Id be hard though, all the friends and familarity would be gone.I think i need that, the change. Not like itll happen.But it seems as if id be good for me. Guess ill have to wait until college, which im afraid of.growing up ...sounds scarey to me.Where will i go?what will i be? bet i become this failure just seems like no matter what i do, its not right.i dont get anything out of it, and i dont measure up. in many different matters. and when i dont i just give up.diets, studying, trying.

Went into Habas to get a job application today, Arie said she didnt know if they were hiring or not.Itd be great if i could get a job, and alyssa is bringing me an application on monday from her job place.V something on the strand. yes im pathetic i dont even rememeber the name. Soon ill have to start seriously getting into shape, running. i really do want to make beach might kill me, but if it doesnt ill have a tan, hopefully look okay in a swimsuit and have some money.

Tomorrow im going up to the galleria, money would be helpful then.Melissa and Emma are coming to.Padre is taking us up there.We're looking at cars first.Hope they dont mind that. I so hate dissapointing people, general statment in my life. As of late im caring less and less though.In a few days ill slap myself for sounding like such a stupid over emotional kid.

It really pisses me off though when poeple call me emo, only two or three peopel ever do, but still.Everyone has emotions, i get sad sometimes, and im terribly at hiding what i feel, my best friend can tell from two words im not superb, i feel something, people are going to sucks in most cases but that is just how it is. i dont feel like being all happygolucky and perky always, takes too much energy. it comes out in random spurts, which is probably actually a bad thing.i have no balance.this is true in almost everything i do.Maybe i should take up meditation or something.

now that all that is out.goodnight.
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