||[11 Mar 2006|07:58pm]
why is it that when everyone else started driving the got this sense of maturity around them,and i just keep feeling liek more and more of a failure.
im pretty sure it has to do with the fact that:
-i am immature
-i am not cautious or over cautious
-i am not as smart as they are
-i am not a pretty as they are(okay doesn't affect maturity level or driving skill but annoys me all the same)
-i AM a failure
-i burn down my battery by being forgetful
-oh, im forgetful
-i break down over simple things
-words get to me a lot easier than they get to others, im sure.
when i dont feel wanted, i dont want to make an affort.im scared to make an affort.i dont want to be rejected.so i sit around mopping for myself becuase no one asks me to go do anything, when really i didnt ask either.but when i try, i get brushed off sometimes.and then the next day ill be overlooked and someone else will be asked.this is my fault to some how.
my mom got a gran prix.it is really pretty and lovely to drive.
i will probably end up all alone at the end of my life, shoved into a corner by my own fears, and shyness.i just lock down.i dont know why.
what i would like to happen when i grow up is to get a new car every year.i like driving them.i just do.
surely i am bipolar.
there are too many weird things about me.tooo many. how can normal people deal with them? i am a bore.its understandable that poeple wouldnt want to be around me, talk to me. i bring poeple down.i complain too much.talk too much, without having anything to say.i havent had an original thought in years im sure.
i wan tto leave ball high.we may be getting uniforms next year.but even that isnt the reason i want to leave.
i had been looking forward to this spring break.but its the second night and im already dreading it.
there really isnt anythign wrong in my life.why do i complain so damn much then? other poeple have so much more to worry about.real problems.not just shit they come up with in there heads.not just the fact that things dont always go thier way or that their friends are growing up with out them.
||[22 Feb 2006|09:42pm]
every minute that passes is another that you could turn it all around
or something like that i think.
wouldnt it be great if we could turn it all around? take back anything we messed up and just reverse it. i guess that would take away the whole point of living, having a flawless, conflict free life.there would be nothing to learn from and nothing to gain.itd be so much easier though.
TAKS was ....fun? Not really. But it was cool talking to Sarah and Angela and others.
While you losers are sitting in first period, I'll be getting my liscense. JAY KAY guys. Jk about jay kaying, i really will be getting it.I'm excited and slighty nervous.What will the 16th year bring? Probably nothing new, hopefully that wont be true.
Im going to be going to Car Maxx to look at a Gran Prix(ie, melissa, HAH) for madre or parde.I dont know whay my car situation will be.
Nothing really else to say. I wish some poeple would stop being so hurtful.It makes me sad even if its not happening to me.
||[17 Feb 2006|10:30pm]
Letting yourself open up to people is hard.or it is for me at least.well thats not really true, sometimes it is and sometimes its not.when i get in these weird moods where i just dont want to be around others, but i dont want to be forgotten, and i just stop talking as much, thats when its hard. i just feel so awkward and uncomfortable
|sometimes alot. like i dont know what to do with myself, how to act. you think youre getting better, and then realize youre just backtracking,tons.
my birthday is in 6 days.that could be another reason for my weirdness of moods.me and birthdays dont really get along.i always want it to be really great, and then the day falls short.have no expectations and nothing can go wrong, right? im a pessimistic person by nature, was i always this way?
In current news, there was a bomb threat at ball today. YAY.heh, mollie, melissa, and emma were all gone for it. crushes for me suck, i can never tell my brain to shut up once it starts thinking. i had it off for a little while. attemping to get there again.
Im number 16 in my sophmore class. I have a GPA of 4.200, yet i dont feel very smart.Today in chemistry i learned signlanguage insteady of stoiciometery(or however you spell it) it was much more entertaining.
I really do want to leave BHS most the times. Id be hard though, all the friends and familarity would be gone.I think i need that, the change. Not like itll happen.But it seems as if id be good for me. Guess ill have to wait until college, which im afraid of.growing up ...sounds scarey to me.Where will i go?what will i be? bet i become this failure just seems like no matter what i do, its not right.i dont get anything out of it, and i dont measure up. in many different matters. and when i dont i just give up.diets, studying, trying.
Went into Habas to get a job application today, Arie said she didnt know if they were hiring or not.Itd be great if i could get a job, and alyssa is bringing me an application on monday from her job place.V something on the strand. yes im pathetic i dont even rememeber the name. Soon ill have to start seriously getting into shape, running. i really do want to make beach patrol.it might kill me, but if it doesnt ill have a tan, hopefully look okay in a swimsuit and have some money.
Tomorrow im going up to the galleria, money would be helpful then.Melissa and Emma are coming to.Padre is taking us up there.We're looking at cars first.Hope they dont mind that. I so hate dissapointing people, general statment in my life. As of late im caring less and less though.In a few days ill slap myself for sounding like such a stupid over emotional kid.
It really pisses me off though when poeple call me emo, only two or three peopel ever do, but still.Everyone has emotions, i get sad sometimes, and im terribly at hiding what i feel, my best friend can tell from two words im not superb, i feel something, people are going to know.it sucks in most cases but that is just how it is. i dont feel like being all happygolucky and perky always, takes too much energy. it comes out in random spurts, which is probably actually a bad thing.i have no balance.this is true in almost everything i do.Maybe i should take up meditation or something.
now that all that is out.goodnight.
|im gunna get you love drunk
||[12 Feb 2006|11:38am]
me+scissors+1am= very bad.
yupppp. I was looking at my bangs like they need to be changed.one side was shorter than the other and i just wanted them to look cute.now it looks as if a lawnmower has mangled my hair. haha well maybe not THAT bad.but it doesnt look good. ((mollie lies, she says that look okay)) so now i want them to growgrowgrow. and the rest of my hair. so then i can see my natural color.take a picture.and then go dye it.im pretty convinced thats the way its going to go. unfortunately or somewhat luckily for my hair i guess this will take years. i dont know if ill be able to handle it.
||[08 Feb 2006|05:15pm]
i havent updated in the loooongest time. and not much has really happened since the last time. expect for the fact that i get randomly suuuuper hyper.there is just a rush of energy, i cant sit still at all. today in spanish i was on speed.or so it would seem at least. and mollie said its scarey sometimes, that something coming from her.makes me sadddd.lol not really.
i am content. i am content without having to like a boy. not that is anything new. boys tend to end up making me 20493549 times more unhappy than happy. whenever i get a crush on someone it always ends up hellish and terrible.or to me it seems liek that.i cant just let anything happen.or just ignore anything.or be a normal person about stuff. i have to completely overanalyze, over react, and over dramatise any situation.i hate that about me.i really do. i also hate that i miss having someone to like, but i know as soon as i start to like a guy, or anyoen starts to like me ill get all weird and just be liek alkdjflkasdjf no. and thats why im going to be alone fo-eva.
my friends are so great though.just wanted to say that.they can always make me laugh, and happy.i dont know what i would do without them. ive been hanging out with some people that i never really do.or like i did last weekend. it was alright and all i guess.but im still most comfortable with my oldest, closest friends.haha i sound fucking gay. i like meeting new people and getting new friends, tis fun. i have no clue why im even updating or doing this. i doubt anybody reads these things, or at least mine anymore. i felt like typing though.
i need a good book to read. i need some new music. i want to snuggle in my bed and just sleep for awhile, if only there was a pause button to life for a little bit.id love that. i dont feel like im ever really doing anything, but like im never resting either.i dunno.
||[09 Oct 2005|11:40pm]
I tried to change my journal background.
As you can tell, I am a failure.
I am a failure at a lot of things.But right now I dont care.
So this weekend: I went to the movies 3 times, the mall 2 times, and the park 1 time.
I spent the whole weekend with Melissa and then various other people. It was wicked awesome hXc to the seventh power X 2943850923485.
I want things that start with C's: Camera, Colorado, and Costa Rica.
&& things that start with J's: JENNA , job, and jellybeans.
I'll get one of those things this Friday =DDD. unless someone wants to bring me jellybeans.
I miss old days. I miss good moods. But I think I'm starting to get them back. I wish I could make everyone happy, wish I knew what to say. I need the ablity to talk. I suck at it. If only I could charm people.
When I get my linsence I'm going to be so delighted, I've already got the day planned. But I hate birthdays, so I'll just call it Step Closer To Freedom day instead.
||[01 Oct 2005|01:03am]
So guys, I dont update.Much. But I felt inspired to take this quiz.Out of sheer boredom.
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
The bold lies.
In other news, I LOVE MOLLIE. Even if she won't stay the night with me and keep Lucifer out of my bed and soul.Thanks Mollie, tell your dad it's his fault when I develope a mental disorder.
||[20 Sep 2005|08:43pm]
I love you guys.
||[17 Sep 2005|01:36pm]
||[16 Aug 2005|09:31am]
for my first update in a month:
MY SCHEDULE FOR HELL.::coughcough:: i mean Ball High.
2. ALG 2 PAP-Griffin
3. Chem PAP- Bull
4. Eng PAP-Reed
5. Span 3 PAP-Augelli
6. W.Hist- Martin
7. Volleyball- Smith
this is my lame update.YAY.
ohoh if your in my class or know anything tell me.plz&thx
||[14 Jul 2005|03:12pm]
im in RAWKFORD,and it rocks.
i really dont have anything to say.other than jenna is awesome.and gothic.she tried to slit my wrist last night and drink it.we are working on becoming vampires.
sleeping till two in the afternoon is awesome.but not letting jenna sleep ever is even better.
yay for lame updates.
goodbye,from sleepless in not seattle.
||[03 Jul 2005|09:09pm]
trisha is THE coolest.
cuz i love this icon.
and i love you.
you should love me to and send me looove.
omg i leave in 6 days for camp and then 9 days for JEEEEEEEEENNA!
||[30 Jun 2005|05:46pm]
im cheap, i dont want to update.but im bored so ill do this.=)
1.What Time is it now?
2.Single or taken?
3.What does your name mean?
lives by the sea i think...heh
4. who picked out your name?
mom adn dad i guess?
5.whats your nickname?
kels,kel-kel,anything anyone wants to call me.
6.What color are your eyes?
7.Do you have an innie or an outie?
8. what size are your shoes?
9.How tall (or short) are you?
10.Honestly what do you like about yourself?
my eyes on occasion and my hair,even if it is fake.
11.What do you always get complimented on?
i care too much what others think,dont like myself alot,and im too shy sometimes.
13.What are the last four digits of your phone Number?
14.Do you think you're cute?
oh just adorable.
15. hair color?
brownishred, and blondish hightlights in certain lighting.lol
16.Do you wear contacts?
water , oj, and sprite
19.Favourite alcoholic drink?
november or may
22. favorite board game?
dont have one.
24.Favourite Clothing Brand?
dotn care as long as it looks okay
25.Favourite day of the Year?
any random good day.
silver,dark purple, or black
28.Do you have more girl or boy friends?
29.Who's your best friend?
30.Are your parents together?
31.How often do you get together with the family?
probably 2 to 3 times a year
32.Do you see your parents or your friends more?
im not sure,about equal i guess.
33. Anything special about your parents?
34.Siblings and their ages?
Do you think:
35. you are a flirt?
i don think i know how to flirt
oh so slutty
38.Do you like someone?
not right now
39.You can keep secrets?
40.You dance in front of the mirror?
41.You sing in the shower?
42.You liked Britney Spears?
ocne upon a time
43.You've liked a cousin?
I may live in Texas but I aint done nothing along those lines (no).lol i like kilceys answer,im keeping it.
44.You've been in the opposites bathrooms?
45.Ever hurt anyone?
46.You've been hurt?
48.You get your way?
49.You're willing to try new things?
matters on what it is
50. cheated on a test?
51.What are you wearing?
swimsuit and short and a shirt
52.What colour are your pants?
53.What are you listening to?
54.How are you feeling?
burnt and a bit tired
55.What are you doing now?
filling this thing out
56.What are you eating?
57. hows the weather?
sunny and a bit windy,quite lovely really.
58.What books are you reading?
59.how many lip glosses do you have?
60.What perfume do you use?
61.What's in your purse?
62. tall or short guys?
63.blonde or brunette guys?
either,but brunette best
65. Long hair or short hair on boys?
66.What's the first thing you notice about guys?
67.What kind of cologne do you use?
68. Whats in your pocket?
69.Boxers or briefs?
70.Blonde or brunette girls?
71.Tall or short girls?
73.Long or short hair on girls?
74.Good or bad girl?
75.What do you find annoying in girls?
76.What's the first thing you notice about girls?
GUYS AND GIRLS
77. the last movie you saw?
78. what did you have for dinner?
chicken noodle soup.i didnt feel good.
79.What are you hoping for?
something exciting to happen,maybe a summer romance?haha thats funny
80.What movie do you really want to see?
none that i know of
81.Where is your favourite place to travel?
82.What did you last dream about?
i think someone was trying to kill the pope?
83.What was the last thing you ate?
honey nut cheerios.
84.If you were a crayon what colour what would you be?
85.Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
86.Do you like the person that sent this to you?
no one sent it to me, but i got it from kilcey and yeah shes awesome
87.Ever had a crush on a teacher?
*sigh* nooo >>
88. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
90.Summer or winter?
Summer vacation,winter weather
91.relationships or one night stands
a little bit of both =P
92.Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream?
93.Do you want your friends to write back?
94.Who is most likely to respond?
95.Who is least likely to respond?
You, damn lazy ass bastard....
96. what did you do last night?
watched 10 things i hate about you and read.i heart being a loser =)
97.Anything else you want to add?
98.movies, sad or happy ending?
99. what time is it now?
hey hey i got all the kiss the clocks today.=).most people prolly wont get that,but it made my day
||[18 Jun 2005|09:36pm]
so its my last night i london.
i really cant wait to sleep in my own bed,who wants to join =P?
this vacation wasn't like i imagined it to be at all. i thought it would be 38450928 times better.and idk just different.i dont feel like ive really been here.so i guess ill have to return someday on my own or with a few friends.ive been thinking about doing an exchange student thing to spain.sounds interesting,but itd be so hard/weird/scary to be gone from home and friends for a year.
hope i get to go to warped tour.
see you peoples soon?
|la vita lo odia
||[14 Jun 2005|10:18pm]
life likes to tease me.
[Jenna]i actually had a chance and took it.and they STOOD US UP! oh i mean..."forgot" about us. i think they foudn someone better that they could um...TALK TO.and so they left us.stranded..for hours.well yeally that was us jjust being stupid and desperate.
we even tried to learn some italian...thats what we get for trying.
now that i think about it all of today was pretty much a failure.a complete tease.we thought we'd get to see the sistine chapel but relaly we lost each other and then had to turn around 1/4 of the way and run to meet my parents.then thought we would get food,but didnt(til later).and then expected to see the beautiful boys and yet we did not.
life is so tragic.heh.
i miss home.=/
||[13 Jun 2005|05:14pm]
so we are in Italy.
Warm weather is nice.Losing mother's suitcase is not =/.
Dont really feel like updating,butleave me love.=-*
and thenit wouldnt let me update at first cos the comp was set on september 23,2003
||[11 Jun 2005|02:30pm]
we got mooned,whistled at, and oy'd.silly irish boys.
i hate time zones.no one is ever on at 5 over there...but its like 11 over here.
how are things in galveston?
not like anyone will actually respond.
||[04 Jun 2005|10:12pm]
i cant believe im realy here.i cant believe im really here and yet im on livejournal.i suck =). london is pretty cool.but we got lost and my legs hurt like crazy already.its kinda cold =/.and randomly starts to rain then stops 2 seconds later.awesome.the boys are cute indeed.i misses my fwiends and normal money.but i <3 the accents.
||[03 Jun 2005|07:20am]
omg and im gone.
leaving in a FUCKING LIMO!!!!!!!!!!
oh and trisha, if you want to redue my journal layout, you may.please.cuz im sure you cringing when you look at my lame excuse for one.rememeber trisharox ;)
||[02 Jun 2005|02:27am]
i played with pictures tonight cuz i was bored.it was fun. barnes and nobles and target tomorrow.yay.
( CODY IS MY FAVORITECollapse )